The Painting of a Panic Attack

I’m sobbing and it’s all my books fault.

I am working on publishing a novella this year about a rock band that fell apart. I am painting the picture of the living room that belongs to the last remaining member of the band. I wanted to put a book of sheet music on her coffee table like the ones we have for Josh Ritter and Iron and Wine.

I mistakenly chose Frightened Rabbit as my first Google search because they are one of my favorite bands that I gave to Prudence to be in her list of favorites. Going to their website I discovered Tiny Changes and I immediately assumed the band had made a new album and my heart was ripped into a hundred tiny withering pieces.

Scott Hutchison, the founding member of Frightened Rabbit, committed suicide in 2018. This week was very hard for me. His band had been searching for him for days and reaching out on Twitter. Everyone feared the worst. It was well known that Scott fought a constant battle of depression. The lyrics to many of their songs make that very clear.

Those same honest lyrics are what made me fall in love with this band. I could relate to the raw pain and the deep need in each piece; each picture they painted. I most deeply love and relate to State Hospital and Holy.

Losing Scott and Frightened Rabbit tore out a piece of my soul. My husband first introduced me to them in 2013 when we were dating and I immediately fell in love. Loved the lyrics, loved the drumming, loved the sound. I love Scott’s Scottish accent. They inspired many of my writing works and sit next to Andrew Bird and Josh Ritter in my trinity of favorites.

I was heartsick when I discovered Tiny Changes because I thought they had made a new album without Scott. While yes it has been over two years since Scott passed, this would have been too soon for me. Maybe ever is too soon for me…

Then I learned what Tiny Changes is. It is a compilation of various artists singing songs from the Midnight Organ Fight album and was used to raise money for the mental health charity created by Scott’s parents and as a tribute to everyone who loved him dearly.

Discovering this album opened up an old wound for me and made it raw again. I am so glad we got to see them live in Boston before he passed. No band moves me in the same way as Frightened Rabbit. From wild, oblivious joy to a somber dwelling.

Enjoy …